WHY "Never give up!" is a good adage - tips for men - my experience
When you give up you simply guarantee yourself failure. The crisis I had with women is over and it did not begin with what I did to my image but with my self-image. It becomes increasingly hard to change things when you are not willing to admit that there are some things you need to let go of in order to let new things into your life. One thing I had to let go of was my fear.
Many say that fear is a natural insctinct. When ,as in the prehistoric days, faced with trouble the adrenalin in your blood stream assists you in doing one of two things 1.Fighting; 2.Fleeing. But in a social context the easiest impulse is usually fleeing. The irony is that unlike back in the prehistoric days when we used to flee from saber tooth tigers, nowadays we flee from women(the very source of a good portion of our joy). The either impulse being to 'fight' comes into play when we become too afraid to express our true intentions and hold a façade; pretending as if we don't need them when we actually do. Or getting the courage to approach a woman but being too aggressive and reactive to responses which you find offensive.
One other aspect of fleeing that I found interesting was that in my interactions with women I would either flee from the women, or flee from myself as I would attempt to portray a false image of myself based on assumptions I have about what women think of as an ideal guy. The other aspect of 'fighting' was not only constricted to fighting rejection by being overly safe and defensive in my interactions but also the fact that I would fight myself after every unsuccessful interaction or lack of interaction. Paranoia also comes into play when you start feeling like every women is out to reject you.
"Why do I have this uncontrollable fear of beautiful women?" was the question that I later asked myself in life and the answer I found was left to my perception of these women. I knew that I should change my wrong perception and bias about this group of individuals sooner or later in my life.
But this epipheny came in a very odd way - it came through a person who's now a good friend of mine. This friend of mine was the type of person I would never in a million years associate myself with because in my mind I saw him as inferior and unpolished, "too ghetto" - he was the type of person you would pass on as a gangster and hoodlum from afar. I am ashamed to admit that - but in life we learn.
He was a tenant at my father's house so he lived in the back room and worked a very modest job. The bias that I had about the person he was ,was not based on my genuine observation of his character but just my observation of the tone of his loud, rough voice, his dark complexion, his "tsotsi - taal" and odd fashion sense. In response to this bias of mine I didn't greet him nor talk to him but then later needed somebody to run with in the morning, and he also used to go jogging in the morning. So I abruptly decided to introduced myself and we started jogging the following day. More than anything I started learning. I was baffled by how wrong I was about him and I learnt a lot from him; had a lot of good laughs with him; had a lot of constructive conversations with him and I decided to dispose of my false sense of piousness since meeting him. The same person whom I judged blatantly is the same person of whom I now love as my brother. So since then I see people differently and accept them for who they are and also accept myself for who I am. It was this friendship that made me find some peace and enlightenment of sorts.
Another level of fear was the fear of being a man despite my desire for having more romantic relationships with 'women' in my life. how did I expect to become a suitor to any woman if I did not want to be the man in the relationship. I am still in the process of figuring out what that means. But since I have analysed the problem which terminally put me in the 'friend zone' with women things are improving. I have found that confidence is what attracts women as women automatically associate confidence with manliness and also leadership (decisiveness). I am currently working on these traits.
Lack of appreciation is what led me to not becoming comfortable with who i was because I didn't appreciate the company of the people that I already had in my life. I obsessed the things I didn't have. So much about the billion+ women I didn't have in my life. I didn't appreciate the Rand that I had in my pocket because I obsessed about the Trillions I didn't have in my bank account. I didn't appreciate the talents that I have because I obsessed about the talents I didn't have when I looked at others. I would also magnify my failures above my successes. That was an unhealthy way to live. I needed to do something about it.
One of my female friends, Palesa, asked me the other day in a conversation - why I don't buy women anything - and I told her this: "A car can't smell your fragrance and tell you you smell good, nor can a diamond ring be able to complement your beautiful smile and you you are beautiful, A teddy bear can't comfort you the same way I can". This I said to emphasise the point that nothing can replace your value, if you teach a women to value inanimate objects above yourself then she definitely will not value you when those objects are gone. Giving a woman a chocolate slab is a good gesture but it doesn't make a woman feel any different about you and your value - To her her you're just the guy who gave her food. I learnt that there are better virtues to focus on as a man.
So I tackled this problem by first deciding to "get a life" and this was the type of life that was independant of anyone. I let go of this fixation I had to find women but focussed on finding myself. I later learnt to laugh at myself and learnt to smile as I was more at peace with who I was. I can't recount how many times I would look at myself in the mirror and genuinely say to myself: "Yoh this guy is a super stud!" - and it would come from the bottom of my heart.
In this I also learnt not to use my friends as cruches for my own insecurities but that I should be open to everyone despite who they are. In this I let go of my inferiority complex, where I would look up on others and down on myself; where I would resent people for being socially in-tune. I stopped resenting people for their progress in life; while I am too afraid to earn my own stripes nd work hard. In this I learnt to Humble myself, love and respect everyone without expecting love and respect back. Love, honesty and respect - I discovered where strengths of mine that I have been resisting and neglecting because of my bias towards the world.
I always saw myself as being in the bottom of the food chain and would feel so lucky when I had women who showed me the slightest interest and felt so bad when women would react in a bitchy way.
I learnt to listen more, and try to understand the person infront of me by putting aside all my self righteousness; hence I learnt to not judge anyone but see myself as a canduit for justification instead of condemnation. Since I started this process of transformation I started enjoying people's(men and women) company a bit more.
Back in the day I used to be afraid to greet a woman when he was with a man, nowadays I do it with love and freedom and the last women I dated was impressed by it.
In conclusion I would like to say that adopting love is the best way of disowning fear. When love becomes an impulse- more people are endeared to you, because that's simply the nature and effect of love to a person's life. Not only to have love for God, others and your environment but also love for yourself.
One of the ladies I recently dated, Tsholo, would be so baffled by how easily we and some of her friends got along - in just a few days it already felt like we've known each other for ages and she alluded that with most guys she meets, the situation usually becomes tense and ends up sour, this observation was a testimony to how the fear of rejection and fear of being yourself can limit the quality of your relationships with people.
My very close friend , Tshepo, would ask me how come I manage to chat comfortably with women who have "rigid personalities", and I answered him by saying: "there's no right way of doing things as long as you are doing them with the right intentions, instead of saying a nervous "hi!" to someone I would rather comment on what she's wearing and start a conversation from there. another important thing is to remove all judgementality and just embrace a person for who s/he is, pre -labelling someone as "uptight" isn't going to help with anything.
I also found that my lack of dependance on getting a womans positive reaction before continuing with a conversation may also be attributed to my new understanding and appreciation of myself(who I am), and a woman senses that and would in most cases reciprocate my behaviour her slight rude gestures are what they call 'shit tests' - you just simply ignore them. Approaching someone with love and respect is way much better than approaching them with hidden and vague intentions.
I have learnt a lot about life thus far and am still in the process of learning. Of what I've learnt so far I hope you will find useful to your life too!Until we meet again! thank you! please comment and share your thoughts.
